Note: If you see an asterix (*) this indicates the bits which I find exceptionally EFF-ED.
I was reluctant to post this because the "dream shame" still lingers.. But in the name of TRUTH, and being confident in my SELF regardless of what others may think, here it goes:
So I am at a friends house when I realize I have a *gigantic, garden-hose-like penis in my pants accompanied by two rather small testicles. I am mortified by this discovery. My first instinct is to conceal it but given it's size, this is impossible. I find walking to be rather awkward (How do you guys do it?!). I am saddened by the fact that I will likely never find love/acceptance as a result of this "misunderstood attribute" of my character.
Cut to: I'm in bed and I believe I've woken up from that nightmare. I'm relieved until I touch myself only to discover this penial reality is still VERY REAL. I cannot escape it. I must accept it. THIS THING (whether I like it or not) is part of ME.
Then I find myself in the hallway of a University. It feels like a basement, rather dark with flickering low lights. There is concrete everywhere. **** I see a girl sprawled on the floor like a discarded barbie doll. She's inanimate but she's not dead. It's as though her 'ON' switch had been flicked 'OFF'. She's naked and has a vagina on the front of her throat. I casually decide that we need to "fit ourselves together" and so THAT happens (I don't want to get too detailed here, please use your imagination) It's not a sexual event but there is a sense of fulfillment; A strange feeling of comfort and one-ness.
I detach from this scene and passively observe, body-less from a birds eye view. There are so many legs. These two creatures look like a deformed breed of some kind of disgusting insect. I imagine others might consider this "connection" rather grotesque.
a group of students pass by and one person says "What is this? An exorcism?"
I am ashamed. I feel I can never be my true self with anyone. I feel this truth is too much for anyone to accept. But there's nothing I can do. I am who I am and I can't hide it.
I go to visit my mom. I ask her if she has any information that I might consider useful in a time like this. *She casually mentions that there was a complication with her pregnancy and that I was sharing the womb with a rat and it's babies.
I ask her "What am I supposed to do? We have to get them out of me!"
And she says "We go to the Veterinarian"
And I say "I want to go to the hospital"
and she says, "Now Michelle, the Veterinarian clinic is a very nice facility"
The theme of this dream is MY IDENTITY. I generally am pretty open and honest with people. I put myself out there and allow myself to be quite vulnerable.
Of course, the feeling of rejection is more personal. It stings more than it would if I were wearing layers and layers and layers of masks. It hurts. A LOT. I'm not saying that I don't have my masks.. But I guess I feel like I don't wear as many as the majority of others.
We wear masks to shield ourselves from this kind of pain... Common knowledge I guess.
Lately I've been wondering if perhaps I should close myself up a bit. Throw on a few more layers. Take off one mask at a time, allowing the reveal of my character to be like a gradient fade, rather than a SOLID slap in the face.
The mere thought of this exhausts me though. It would require a constant effort to maintain the concealment of my true self. Yes it would keep me safe from the pangs of rejection, but it would feel like a gigantic lie to everyone I face including MYSELF.
I don't think I can do that..
I'm sure olives are not afraid of being disliked. They have obviously accepted the fact that they are an acquired taste.
My friend and I were wandering along when I became overwhelmed with the idea of melding myself into this wall. Thankful to have been in the presence of Vik Pahwa, who was able to manifest this image into digital form.
You may feel
like your life is pretty ordinary. But 5-10 years from now life will be
vastly different and those mundane details of your current world could
end up forever lost.
Task : Collect memorabilia for your
future self to appreciate! Document the events of your life in a week.
Take pictures of the every day things you see. (What your home looks like inside/out) Places you go... etc. Keep all receipts/bus transfers/tickets etc. Take Notes (thoughts, happenings, etc) Compile it all together, share it with your friends, and tuck it away for your future self to discover =) Do eet! You may learn a thing or 2 in the process..
Tuesday May 15: -- I took a lot of pictures this day. I decided to share pictures which had focus on the little things rather than the bigger picture. Realizing I have a limit when it comes to sharing and so I will just keep those other ones to myself.
Currently training a girl at work who is here for a few months for co-op. It has definitely intercepted my regular routine. At first I was a little resistant but realized that wasn't contributing to a positive and productive work environment, so I am learning the art of patience right now. Being at a new job is hard and involves the absorption of a lot of information. It is important that I remind myself of that. Listened to this song at work.
Made plans to meet a fellow called James in the physical realm. Before I left my apartment, I burned my hand on my hair straightener without getting around to actually
straightening any hair.
Met James at Nirvana. We drank liquids and ate solids together. =) I took a picture of his hands. The photo is blurry, but life is
blurry sometimes.
Kept an ice pack in my purse which I continuously fondled throughout
the eve. The beer glass was the perfect temperature for a little while
but realized the more I held it, the warmer the liquid became, the
slower I drank it and the more I used it as an ice pack placeholder.
3 inches of beer was not consumed. I have no regrets.
Once I got home the pain was gone. I fell asleep the
second my face hit the pillow. My sleep was heavy and free of interruption.
I woke with a new appreciation for the letter z. I would like to have more of them. Hit "snooze" twice. Considered donating a chunk of my morning routine time to sleep an extra 10 minutes but grabbed a shower instead. The shower made me feel like so:
Got to work early. The new girl spent the day in court so I was alone
in the office most of the day. I'm not sure where time went.
Had lunch with my cat and spent the duration of my lunch hour trying
to figure out why my Netflix stopped working on my Wii. It's been
dysfunctional since yesterday. I find it odd that my routine decided
to break once I began this documentation.
My ear began fluttering again (it's kind of a weird sensation I get some times, often triggered by certain frequencies, sometimes triggered by stress). My day started out pretty good but near the end of the work day I was a little cranky. A lot of people are being rude to me at work for some reason and I can't help but wonder if my mood is luring this perpetual rudeness. I wasn't mean, but I was not my usual self. I was short with people and wanting the work day to end.
Came home and got a call from Natasha. She invited me to release my tension by telling her about my day and I felt a lot better afterwards.
Soon after, a mutual friend Roy came over and gave me a haircut in my
kitchen. The kitchen light is a little possessed and so it turned on and
off about 5 times but he made due. The sensation of a comb going
through my hair for an hour along with the warmth of the hair dryer was
extremely cozy. I couldn't stop yawning.
Roy snipped my roommate Pip's bangs as well. Zoey tried to eat the discarded bits of hair on the floor and I shooed her away. She is a little OCD I think. Anyway, my hair feels super soft and I can't stop petting it.
Now I lay in bed at 11:40 hoping sleep will latch onto me soon. Would be nice if I could remember my dreams tomorrow.
Thought: Swim-walking is under rated. It is a simple exercise which makes me feel happy. I have this song in my head
Woke feeling rested, but without any dream recall. This weekend Mom
had given me an old ring of hers and I needed to move my other rings
around to accommodate this new accessory. She told me the ring was once a
token of my dad's love for her, in a time when they were young and
hopeful. Given how volatile their non relationship is now, I welcome
the reminder of a time when my parents loved each other.
Yesterday, when I wrote about my bad mood I was
reluctant to include that information. I thought about why that might be
and I think part of me believes that writing negative things down, or
saying them aloud some how solidifies them and defines me in a way that I am not particularly proud of. There was a time when I
firmly believed in releasing this stuff. Not doing so weighs me down.
Thought: Being
comfortable in the shadows doesn't make the fabric of my Self darker.
It just helps to develop my ability to adapt in those times when the sun
goes down..
Today is rather typical, nothing particularly note
worthy. No profound thoughts or questions about life, death, the
universe etc... No dominant feelings are tipping my emotional scale. I
am drowsy..surely it is a symptom of my boredom.
People have been feeding me small talk today. I
don't often participate in that sort of thing. My lack
of enthusiasm was apparent in those situations.
Robots.
I have no interest in enhancing the quality of this day.
La de da.
Ok fine I'm grumpy again today. I should probably do something to shake this mood off of me so I decided to romance myself with a candle lit bubble bath and a tall can of Steigl. I rarely do this but it let me relax enough to fall asleep pretty easily.
Dreamt about moving into a condo with my family. I got
stuck in a very tiny room with gross green carpet. I saw something
black skitter across the floor. It was a huge sluggish looking
bug. More of them started to appear. They were coming out from under the
carpet. About 50 of them all varying in size. Needless to say, I was
totally freaked out. I went to show my sis but once we got back they
had disappeared. My sis reassured me that the bugs had migrated
elsewhere and they were just passing through. I wondered how she could
be so sure of that. Am certainly not comfortable with the idea of sleeping in
that room. Bugs or no bugs.
Feeling contemplative today. Perhaps a little introverted. Thinking a lot of heavy thoughts about the world. I reminded myself about the fact that I will die. It didn't depress me but I just sat in this cloud of knowing-and-not-knowing for a little while. I still find it quite challenging to release these fleeting dark feelings, particularly in writing. And so I feel they circle around inside me more than they would if I were bold enough to set them free. It's difficult for me to put this out there. But the point of this project is to be honest.
Woke at 6am and I had this dream fragment: I am bodiless with a bird's eye view. Floating over top of the ocean, I can see a car has sunk to the bottom of the ocean. Bubbles everywhere. I sink down there with them. I
find 2 passengers dead and then I see one man who has given up the struggle, but he is alive. I pull him
out to shore and lay him on his back tipped back his head. I could hear
him trying to breath but it sounds like something is lodged in his throat. I push on
his sternum a few times and eventually he jerks forward. Watching him propel his body forward, I can see every detail close
up. It plays out in slow motion. In one swift cough, he spews out the inner workings of a clock. Rainbows everywhere... it was terrifying yet beautiful.
Went back to sleep until 10 which was probably overkill. Woke, Did laundry.. discovered coconut yogurt which is my
new favourite fridge item at the moment. Went to the mall and quickly purchased bra and sandals to wear with the dress I plan to wear for the reception of Nav's wedding..
Came
home and cleaned up a bit. Purged some old clothing into a donations bag. Hope I will take it to
drop box on Monday.
In the eve I reconnected with James. We wandered around and had some
delicious food and sampled a number of beers (one of which tasted like
chocolate syrup). James climbed a tree in TrinityBellwoods. He
introduced me to his apartment and I discovered its almost exactly the same lay out as my sisters old apartment near ossington. He had a few sculpture
pieces on his walls that he created.. including this man's face:
I touched it
and discovered that it has the texture of real skin.. pretty incredible work. There's a
story in his eyes.. this picture does it no justice..
Sat in his kitchen window which is a pretty cozy little perching
place.. totally awesome energy. Time disappeared and I
didn't get to bed until 5:30am. Probably wouldn't have been able to do that had I not slept for a million years the night before.
I woke at 10:30am to get ready to spend a day on the island with Sonia and Natasha. We intentionally got on the wrong boat and walked +5k across the island to get to our spot on Hanlan's Point. Had a little picnic in the grass along the way. We laid under a number of trees and spent a large portion of our time appreciating nature.
I was bit by a fire ant and wow there was some super intense burning sensations
coming from such a tiny bump on my knee. Surely he was justified in
taking a bite out of me, I could have sat on his house or something.
The cup cakes I brought melted and became infested with red ants.
Hopefully their colony will accept this as a token of apology for
whatever it is I did to deserve the lashing from earlier.
Eventually we found our selves on the beach. A woman gave us goggles which allowed us
to look directly at the sun. What a gift! Never in my life have I been
able to do that without permanent damage. It got cold so we decided to head back. Caught the
solar eclipse which was vibrant and gloriously colorful. Definitely a
unique sighting. We just stood there in each others arms.. enjoying the
pure awesomeness of the sun and the moon...and our existence. <3 total awe.
We had dinner in our comfort zone, Fran's Diner. We all shared a delicious slice of coconut cream pie. :)
Today I hefted my clothing donations bag to the drop off bin and went wandering/shooting with my friend Vik.
It's been a while since we've hung out so it was awesome to reconnect. Vik spends a lot of his time taking pictures and exploring the city. I love walking without a destination.
(As a side note, I am fairly certain I have walked over 15 km these past couple days, my legs are pretty beat right now).
I went into the store to use an ATM machine and it told me that my available balance was ZERO DOLLARS and I flipped out a little bit.
I didn't really want to deal with that so I tried my best to let go of the panic so I can make the most of the day.
(Turns out it was a false alarm/miscommunication between the bank and the machine. I am happy to learn that my account has not been robbed)
Later in the day I had intended on going to visit my friend Nav in order to try on some Indian suits for her wedding which is coming up in July. I waited forever for a streetcar and cannot believe I convinced myself to stand there for that long. Of course when one finally came it was rammed with humans, so I walked to the subway station. When I got there the subway was having some really serious power outages and everything was down. Ended up having to reschedule with Nav. A bit of a set back, but she is coming to visit me on Thursday to celebrate my birthday so we will fit it in then =)
It's certainly been an awesome opportunity to see my life from a new perspective. I've learned a lot and totally encourage you all to try it some time =)
OK OK..this is totally delayed... We were trying to keep this low key for a bit but I think enough time has passed...
I wanted to share this because I want to promote just how easy it is to spread the love. You have the power to affect others, so why not harness that power in a positive way? This is something which can be done any day of the year, and it feels pretty awesome too. I'm thinking this will be a new Valentines Day tradition. No more of that obligatory hallmark nonsense. If you're single on V-day, that just means you have more love to give to those who will not expect it. NK and I dropped a couple hundred hearts and love notes in the mailboxes(and on the windshields) of strangers the night before Valentines Day.
> An extremely capable human being, full of infinite potential.
> Operating a body, which is functioning rather properly (give or take a few quirks, but those simply contribute to the masterpiece that is the essence of your individuality)
> Identified on paper as a group of letters and numbers
> Currently surrounded by concrete, pavement, animals, and other humans
> Inhaling oxygen and exhaling carbon dioxide (and you’re so good at it in fact, that you probably forgot you were doing it… until now)
> Physically placed on the South West Corner of College and Euchlid
> In the city of Toronto
> In the Province of Ontario
> In the country of CANADA
> Surrounded by water on the continent of north America
> On a planet called “Earth”
> Revolving around a massive ball of fire (And you are probably keeping track of how many revolutions you've experienced since you began this journey)
> Spinning around with a bunch of other planets, and stars, and black holes and other miscellaneous miracles in a Galaxy called "The Milky Way" (Which is just one of BILLIONS of other Galaxies). And The Milky Way exists inside a gigantic Mason Jar labelled "UNIVERSE". That jar has a lid covered in dust, and sits upon a shelf amongst an unknown number of other jars alike. And these containers are identified on paper somewhere, as a group of letters and numbers...
Everything is black. There
are rainbow coloured outlines of a 3 dimensional house in my field of
vision. This house folds down and reassembles into a differently shaped
structure. It is in a constant state of change, flipping in an organized
yet kaleidoscopic sort of way. I have no body. I am just watching this
sequence unfold. For a while I am mesmerized. I have no feelings about
it at all. Then for a second I think to myself "Wow this is beautiful"
(shocked that it has taken me so long to notice) but before I could hang
onto that emotion I suddenly feel extremely disturbed by this complete
shift in my reality as I do not know where "I" fit in
this equation..What is "I"?
Then I physically roll out of that dream, and right over into the next:
This dream is not particularly visual. It feels like sinking, sinking, sinking... floating floating floating...
Sinking forever...into my mattress. Never settling upon any feelings of stillness.
Not being grounded, not having any point of physical reference. It makes
me feel dizzy after a while. The materials of my bed have liquified
around me. I am transitioning through a portal. Still I cannot see but I
can hear something: A repetitive, yet non consistent WHOOSHING sound.
This sound indicates the speed at which I'm propelling through 'space'.
It also alludes to the idea that I am coming in close contact with other
physical things (or beings?) also in a state of projection. My body
feels soooo heavy. The weight never lifts, it only presses on me harder
as I sink deeper and deeper. I am powerless. I am at the mercy of
something big.. Something my mortal mind will never comprehend.
It all began with a super-high fever on Friday morning (like hallucinating etc) I took the day off work in order to sleep and endure some pretty psychedelic dreams. When my skin stopped hurting is when I decided to pull my body out of bed.
I never know what to do with myself on a sick day. I get so bored and restless. I received a message from a friend about some Hula-hooping Flash Mob event coming up and I was thinking about participating. (Even though I haven't really hooped since I was 8 or something) I had a little hoop in storage (don't ask)
So I yarn bombed it.
Then I took it to the kitchen and spun it around my waist for a while. (It had more revolutions when I was standing still) After 30 minutes of dizzy-ing and unsuccessful hula-ing, I concluded (googled) that the proportions of this hoop are fit for a tiny child.
Bah! Anyway... at this point I'm thinking, WTF am I going to do with this fuzzy hoop? So this is what happened, on that feverish Friday.
Natasha
and I are together. We are in the middle tier of a massive theatre with many
rows. The lower tier is full of people and they are about 4 stories below us. There
are balconies above us, which are small and fit only a few people.
I
have no memory of the show. There is a rather long intermission ahead of us so
we decide to go outside.
Everything
seems to be on a slant. It's as though we are walking across the midsection of
a mountain. Buildings stagger all around us, jetting out in a naturally crooked fashion the way
diamonds do. We find a patch of long and luscious grass; so vibrant and inviting. we find ourselves nestling in with hopes of feeling the little green blades tickling our skin as we watch the clouds drift by. But before we can get comfortable, the temperature drops and it's too cold to be cozy.
In a semi-lucid moment, we decide we must go back to the waking life, back to our beds to gather our blankets. We
promise to do so and meet back here in a few minutes. We separate. I find myself back at
the theatre, wondering how much time had passed. I see people are moving along
the rows of seats. Are they coming or going? It doesn't take me long to find Natasha but the show is over. Neither of us were able to reach the surface of this dream, but I think it's kind of amazing that we were able to find each other again.
We
decide to go wander. We end up in an industrial area of the city. We are underneath a bridge on the side of the road. The hi-way buzzes in the background. Tangled-up pavement circuits are all around us.
There
is a gust of wind in the air. We notice a building with grid like windows. Some
window panes are a different colour, and I find this to be quite beautiful.
Suddenly all of the windows slide up into the top of the building. The wind
blows through the back side of the building and out the front.
Different
colours of paper spew out and fly up into the sky. Everything is super crisp in
definition and colour. The paper seems to sparkle from a distance. Natasha and
I just stand there in awe. Slowly the
paper begins to drift downwards, dusting the cheeks of this grey city like colourful confetti freckles.
So I did a search for tutorials on how to do this. Many of which were geared towards parents and teachers wishing to show their kindergarteners the importance of RECYCLING.
But that is not the motto of this story.
The first thing I want to say is this: You must really WANT to make paper. You cannot go into this thinking "Yeah, I kinda want to make paper today" because you will suck, and you will fail.
Anyway, If I happen to survive the apocalypse I would like to have some fundamental skills under my belt. Let's pretend all modern technology dies and we must rebuild everything we have from scratch.
I have already decided that I will not be hunting animals for food (hence why I am currently a vegetarian). And I won't be able to figure out how to build toilets or reinvent the telephone. I've decided my role will be to keep writing and history, and art alive.
And unless we want to spend time etching into the surface of rocks, paper is the best route to take.
~RECYCLED MATERIAL - look in your recycling bin. Gather non glossy/non waxed paper and cardboard. I didn't do measurements, so I will just say "get a bunch of it".
***I decided to use a cardboard sleeve from a coffee cup. 1 piece of stiff beige paper. A couple pieces of scrap white paper. A handful of cotton balls. Some scrap yarn. (I pulled the yarn apart forever, ONE strand consists of like 20 threads...crazy!) Oh and also a small brown paper bag. Oh! And I also used lemongrass tea and moss.
~LIQUID STARCH - This was a bit difficult to find, I got the stuff in the aerosol can.
~WATER
~BASIN
~WOODEN PICTURE FRAME (make sure it a bit smaller than the basin)
Take the picture frame. Wrap the screen around it and staple it down making sure it is nice and tight.
I kind of effed that up because I used a plastic screen, and thumbtacks. I thumb tacked until my thumbs hurt, and decided to use nails instead... Don't use nails. Even if you use short ones, they will stick out and when upside down, the screen will slide down the nails, causing the screen to be flimsy.
Once You've finished that you can make the pulp. This is the destruction of the above mentioned recycled materials. Shred it all to bits.
If you have dense material such as cardboard, allow it to all soak in warm water for a little bit.
Throw a few handfuls in the blender. Then pour a couple of glasses of warm water. pulse it until it looks like sludge.
Pour sludge into basin. You will notice it looks like vomit. Ignore that. Repeat this step until all of your material looks like paper vomit. At this stage I learned this:
Do not add thread or string to the mixture before this stage as you will find that ALL OF IT will find a way to get tangled up around the blades of your blender.
Pour more water into the basin. I filled mine up about half way. The particles will sink to the bottom if it sits for a bit so make sure you mix it around with your hands before this next step. Ohh And don't forget to spray the starch across the surface and mix it up. Spray for about 30 seconds. (I imagine this equals about 2 table spoons)
Put your frame into the water. As you can see my frame just barely fits inside the basin. I suggest making sure there are a few inches of space around the frame, otherwise you will have to scoop the paper vomit from the bottom with your hands, plop on top of the screen then lower the screen into the water to allow the pulp to spread out evenly.
Make sure the density is relatively consistent across the screen. You may have to scoop some pulp out of the basin and fill in the bald spots. (make sure you dip into water and slide from side to side to even things out again. Once you feel satisfied, bring the frame out of the water slowly. Let it drain.
Here's where things get tricky. I made 2 pieces of paper and did it 2 different ways. The first way was to press it from both sides with my hands over top of the basin. Once it seemed a little bit solid I put a towel over top. Pressed again. The towel became soaked, I used another towel, it too became soaked and useless. Then I decided to use some newspaper. I wasted a lot of paper during this stage. (Hence why "Recycling" is not the motto of the story) Anyway eventually it became dry (aka: damp) enough for me to flip the screen over and peel the soggy paper from the screen.
At this point I blow-dried the crap out of it, which took a really long time. PS: I advise blowdrying while it is still ON the screen.
this is what my face looks like when I dry things.
When it was finally strong enough I hung it to dry.
As you can see the paper has a grid like texture. This is from pressing it with the tea towel. I had some remaining pulp so I decided to try this again. I really wanted to find an easier/faster way of drying the paper out. I decided to throw some extra materials on top to make it more interesting.
Make sure you put a thin layer of pulp over top, or it will gradually fall off when it is finally dry.
This is where patience comes in.
I had some extra screen material so I decided to put the 2nd screen directly on top of the pulp. (having that extra layer helps to keep the paper from falling apart) Then pressed it from both sides with a ginormous purple sponge, every so often squeezing out the sponge. (You'd be amazed how much water came out)
The next step, I decided to sandwich it between my last available dish towel. I ironed it forever. Watching all that steam satisfied me in ways I cannot express with words. Once I stopped seeing the steam, I took it out from the towel sandwich. I placed it on the board and ironed it more personally.
